in light of the recent slew of unfortunate events, this is the only medium for catharsis in its true form.

firstly.
instead of a letter from Ann Arbor, MI, a neat little envelope resided in the gloomy caverns of the letterbox. i look at it, i gape. i open it, and i wonder. why am i nominated for the scholarship which i don't want at all (although it's a fairly prestigious one)???
(daniel don't smirk at me hor)

secondly.
i dont know if you're reading this (well, you could be, i'll never know, won't i?) but i seriously need to get this off my chest.
it was the first time i've cried bucketfuls in front of a teacher. he/she left while my face was still wincing in pain and drenched in tears and snot. acting strong and all, i flashed him/her my bravest smile (albeit forcibly) and assured him/her that i was fine.....but was i really?
the next day, i attempted to pretend that nothing out of the ordinary happened and i carried on with life. i averted his/her gaze slightly during lessons, for fear that yesterday would rob me of my senses and leave me desensitised.
after the lesson, when everyone had left the homeroom, i apologised to him/her. i truly felt horrible cos i really did put him/her in a bad spot. he/she only gave me a curt 'mhm' which i deem as an unsatisfactory reply and he/she ignored me after that. then, a shocking realisation struck me -- i am really no different from an asshole, an ingratiating hypocrite.
well, now this teacher knows just a little more about me; something which i will never, ever divulge in anyone else.

thirdly.
me: huixin, i ask you something... do you think i am... a happy person?
hx: no.
i was... absolutely stunned. wasn't my facade convincing enough? sometimes, i don't know why i pretend to appear happy and contented in front of others when i am, in actual fact, mired by so, so many problems on a seemingly multitudinous level. A levels is totally NOTHING compared to the agony i'm currently experiencing
i have no reason to comply with others' wants and needs/
you can posit that i'm worrying excessively. but, let me just tell you - the future will leave me hanging for my dear life.

lastly.
back to NTU research in dec;
keeping the end in mind/ i hope to see the amicable 'China superpowers' Prof Li, Xinming 哥 and Zhaoqi 哥 again



so tell me what 福报 is because i honestly don't know if such a thing exists

才发现 - 笑着哭 - - - 最痛..........





i'm trying my very best to ignore a certain teacher. but i can't, because...

because.

anyway. i can't let lom lom down. it'll be a disservice to my conscience.

and that teacher.

i need to climb the school gate more often. ohhhh the transient adrenaline rush and flimsy grilles bending under my weight = i'm lovin' it!